


I Got Fanart, Bitches!

by eeyore9990



Category: Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: AU, Fanfiction verse, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-29
Updated: 2012-07-01
Packaged: 2017-11-08 19:43:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/446811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eeyore9990/pseuds/eeyore9990
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony writes fanfiction because of REASONS.  Pepper really shouldn't be surprised by anything he does anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Batmobile, Motherfuckers!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kathrynthegreat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kathrynthegreat/gifts).



> It occurred to me a while back that I wouldn't be surprised to know that RDJ is on here writing fanfiction of his alter ego. And then this happened.
> 
> There will be more. I'm not sorry.

Tony was on his back, inspecting the undercarriage of the original Batmobile he'd bought off George Burris earlier that day. God it was beautiful, all smooth lines and gorgeously maintained high-gloss paint. Tony touched the drive shaft with a trembling hand, a shaky breath bursting from him.

His music cut off with a screeching sound—and what the hell, JARVIS, it wasn't like the music was on records, it was all digital, fucking sarcastic-ass AI—and Pepper's shoes stomped toward him in a way that told him he had managed to aggravate her (but the strides were too long for anger yet, so Tony could still talk his way out of this, maybe). If he left off a zero or two when he told her how much he'd paid for—

"What... is this? Tony, I really need you to come out here and explain this because I'm trying to think of an explanation that makes sense and I can't. So... Tony, really, come out. I already know about the Batmobile—"

"God, Pepper, I hope so, it's _right in front of you_ ," Tony said, pushing his creeper backward and grinning at her upside-down. Sweet baby Jesus, this was a fantastic angle to see right up her skirt. "Red _and_ lacy, Virginia? You do love me." He waggled his eyebrows for good measure... and she ignored it. All of it. The grin, the eyebrow waggle, even his reference to her panties, which he could still clearly see. And she hadn't even clamped her thighs together. He sat up hurriedly, holding one hand out to ward her off while gesturing behind himself with the other. "It's the Batmobile, Pepper! I mean, I know you're mad, I didn't consult you and I should have because you're the CEO and you're responsible for all my irresponsible purchases, blahblahblah, I got that memo, I swear I did, but it's the _Batmobile_." Tony leaned back against the highly glossed black beauty with red pin striping, arms now splayed out in a universal 'you can take my life, but you'll never take my toys' stance.

Pepper stared at him until he was done—and it's possible that took a while because he might have kept rambling even after explaining to her that, yes, _Batmobile_ —and then waved a fist-full of papers in his face. "Focus, Tony! I don't care about the car. Oh, fine, the _Batmobile_ ," she said, interrupting herself before he had a chance to, and really, wasn't that a mark of a good CEO, being able to anticipate their employees'—

Now she was snapping her fingers in his face and it was possible Tony had completely lost focus. Again. Straightening, he propped his hip on the car, folded his hands in front of himself and did his best to give Pepper his undivided attention.

"But for the record," Tony said, "Batmobile."

"Yes, it's a pretty Batmobile, I really like it, you'll have to take me for a drive sometime. Can we talk about something that's not the Batmobile now?" Pepper asked, eyes narrowing as she waved the papers around again.

"Stockholder reports?" Tony asked, taking a wild guess (which really wasn't so wild because those damn things were the bane of his existence and had caused more than one shouting match in this very room). 

"Nooo," Pepper said, but the way she said it, the drawn out inflection, made it almost sound like a question, which was odd because Pepper was never anything other than completely certain.

Tony took a hesitant step forward, glance snagging on the papers. Because seriously, anything that could fluster Pepper, who was completely unflappable in the face of all Tony's hair-brained schemes, deserved his attention. "What is it?"

Pepper pursed her lips, rattled the papers—company letterhead, but no address or salutation that Tony could make out, and it wasn't like she was letting him really get a good look at them, what the hell—and started to read. "Rogers pushed back into Tony's thrusts, ass waving like a white flag of surrender, and shouted, 'Yes, baby, give me your dick!'" 

By the time she got to _thrusts_ , Tony's lips moved along with hers as he mouthed the words he'd written not two hours prior. He was quite proud of the white ass of surrender bit; it was a nice touch of imagery. Tony bounced on his toes, grinning. "You like it?"

"Like it?" Pepper flailed at him, nearly inflicting a dozen paper cuts with the printouts still clutched in her hand. "Tony... it's barely literate! Are you telling me you _wrote_ this? I was sure there'd been some mistake. A virus or something—"

"A _trojan_ virus, am I right?" Tony barely stopped himself from nudging her in the side.

Pepper closed her eyes and took three deep breaths, blowing them out slowly, giving Tony far too many ideas as he stared at her pursed, parted lips. "Tony, I really need to know, for the sake of my sanity—not to mention any possible lawsuits that might spring up out of this—just _why_ you felt the need to post this to the internet."

"Because they keep getting it wrong!"

"Who is they, and what are they getting wrong?" 

"They!" Tony said, gesturing toward his laptop. "The authors! They keep getting it wrong. I mean, I'm a generous lover, so it's not like I wouldn't _also_ bottom, but reading these fics—"

"These whats?"

"Fics. Short for fictions, I guess? Fictional stories? I dunno, something like that, it's irrelevant. But they write these _stories_ —there, are you happy?—and in every single damn one of them I'm throwing myself on Steve's dick. And not just his, _everyone's_! I swear, Pepper, if you had a dick? I'd be throwing myself on it! In fact... I read one with pegging a few days ago, which was really fucking hot and if you want to try that, I'm really down with it but—"

"Tony!" Pepper pinched the bridge of her nose. "Okay, so there are stories. And you're objecting because... you're having sex? With Steve and pegs? I'm sorry, I don't know what pegging is, and I'm not above admitting that I'm slightly terrified to google it after that two girls one cup episode last year, but—"

"Oh, pegging, you'd love it. You put on a strap-on and fuck me with a dildo."

Pepper stood there with her mouth open, hand grasping air as the papers slid from her fingers. "I don't think I can have this conversation with you. In fact, I'm fairly certain I can't," she finally said, her voice faint as her cheeks turned pink. 

"All right, we'll table that discussion for another time, but... think about it, Pep. You'd love it, I'm sure. Actually, as much as you like bossing me around, maybe we'll get you a dominatrix outfit to go with the strap-on and—"

"Tony!" 

The 'special kind of angry' vein in Pepper's temple was throbbing, so Tony peeled his mind away from the images filling it and blinked at her. "Hmm?"

"No. We tried that once, remember? Oh, not the dominatrix stuff, but the relationship stuff. It didn't work and there isn't enough patience in the world for me to go back to that. So no. Now, back to the subject at hand... Tony, you can't do this. You can't go publishing fictional stories on the internet about you and Steve. Our lawyers don't have enough hours in the day to deal with this."

"Oh, relax, Potts. It's not like there aren't thousands of others out there writing them too. I'm just clearing my name. In my own fashion."

"By making _Captain America_ beg for your...?" Pepper gestured vaguely at his groin.

"Exactly. Look, it's harmless. No one will know it's me. Hell, I couldn't even get dibs on the first 548 versions of my own damn name. The name generator spit _tonystark459_ at me after my first ten tries at setting up a penname for my madeupfanfictionsite.org account. Of course, _hotrodred_ is a better fit anyway. So just... relax. It's all in good fun. Besides, if I'm yelling at Steve on paper, I'm not yelling at him in real life. And we all live a bit happier without a mopey Captain America on our hands." Lowering himself onto the creeper, Tony flashed another bright smile at Pepper before disappearing back under the chassis of the Batmobile.

The _Batmobile_ , motherfuckers! 

 

Pepper watched Tony disappear, then sighed heavily and bent to pick up the papers she'd dropped. She honestly didn't know why she'd even bothered; it wasn't like Tony wouldn't do exactly what Tony wanted to do anyway.

Proof of which was the fact that he'd spent what amounted to the budget of a small country that morning on a _Batmobile_. 

Going upstairs, Pepper made a detour to the bar, where she grabbed a bottle of her favorite (very expensive... _very_ tasteful, thank you, Mr Stark) red wine before returning to her office. She poured herself a large glass of the wine, took an inelegant gulp of it, and jiggled her mouse to return to the spreadsheets she'd been working on when JARVIS had alerted her to Tony's extracurricular activities.

Only instead of the spreadsheets, she found herself looking at the welcome page to madeupfanfictionsite.org. Tapping her fingers nervously on the desk, she glanced around before clicking the 'I'm over 18, please let me read porn' button. And then she thought to ask JARVIS to make sure she wasn't disturbed.

Especially by Tony, because she'd _never_ hear the end of it.

Two hours later, Pepper still didn't understand what PWP (nor the vast majority of the other acronyms) stood for, but she couldn't deny Tony's point. No one would ever suspect _him_ of writing fanfiction. Because obviously the rest of the world was not very well acquainted with the pure conceit of the man. Some of these stories even showed him exhibiting actual emotion. 

Pepper'd laughed long and hard over that. And it hadn't even been labeled humor.

Sighing, Pepper dug a red pen out of her desk drawer, changing 'Roogers' to 'Rogers', 'thurts' to 'thrusts' and inserting three commas as well as proper dialogue tags. She honestly had no idea how she'd ended up in this position. She'd gone downstairs with the intent of informing Tony that someone had obviously hacked his email, only to end up proof-reading Tony's ego-boosting, self-penned erotica.

It wasn't even _good_ erotica. 

Glancing around guiltily—she'd absolutely die if Steve found out about this—she began rewriting the entire story.


	2. Captain America Likes Cock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Depending on which of them you ask, the partnership of author Tony Stark and beta Pepper Potts is beautiful.
> 
> The other one thinks it's a nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really didn't plan to have all the titles on this (both the overall title and the chapter titles) be so vulgar, but hey, now I have a goal.
> 
> Also, I swear to the gods of porn that Steve will eventually show up in this fic. In more than just... uh, fic form. Wow, this is like fic-ception!

"Ms Potts, you've a board meeting in one hour at Stark Industries main offices."

The sound of her name in JARVIS' smooth tones made Pepper jerk awake, but it was the sharp pain that radiated up her spine that kept her that way. She looked around herself in confusion, wondering why she was waking up in her office at Tony's house, when memories of the previous night came rushing back to her.

Looking up at the computer screen, she watched the screen saver bounce around for a few seconds before pushing at the mouse with two hesitant fingers. And yep, there it was. Her new madeupfanfictionsite.org account. With thirty two bookmarked fics to read. 

Catching her bottom lip between her teeth, Pepper closed down that window, erased her browsing history, and called out, "JARVIS?"

"Yes, Ms Potts?"

"Has Tony seen… any of this?" She gestured to the computer, cringing as she awaited his answer.

"No, Ms Potts. Master Stark has been occupied during the last twenty four hours either stroking his newly acquired vehicle or adding chapters to his 'fic'. Said chapters are, of course, awaiting your approval."

Pepper pulled a face at that. After reading some of the absolutely gorgeous writing that could be found on madeupfanfictionsite.org (characterization of Tony notwithstanding because apparently only Pepper and one other member had any idea what a complete asshole Tony could be), she really didn't want to see the travesty of the English language that Tony would have wasted precious kilobytes on.

Half of the fics she had bookmarked to read were by that other member—TazerGirl23 was ridiculously prolific—and the thought of such a good author reading Tony's fics and associating them with her made Pepper squirm uncomfortably. But she'd already started down the rabbit hole, so there was really nothing else for her to do but continue editing Tony's trash.

And if she occasionally wrote her own story, well. Being the CEO and Head Tony Wrangler of Stark Industries had to have _some_ perks.

 

Tony threw open the doors to the conference room, striding in with his 'blind them with science' grin and immediately started talking as he edged around the octogenarians in various shades of boring blue. "Hi there, random board members, fine job you're all doing. Stock's up fourteen points, all thanks to me and my genius of course, but hey! At least someone's keeping the paperwork in neat stacks, am I right, Ethel?" He had no idea if the woman he was addressing was named Ethel, but she looked like an Ethel, and from the way she tittered and blushed, it wasn't like she was going to be scolding him any time soon.

Unlike Pepper, who was probably scowling hard enough to laser a hole in the side of his head. He turned to check, only to see that Pepper was slouching down in her seat at the head of the table, her laptop a shield between her and the rest of the board while a huge pair of dark sunglasses covered nearly the entire top half of her face.

"Don't worry about me, I'm not staying," Tony said, flashing another grin around the table. "I just need to have a word or fifty with the CEO. Big things happening, folks. Big things. You'll all be very happy and filthy rich—filthy richer?—in about two weeks. Bet on it! Oh, wait, no. Don't bet on it, I think that might be 'go straight to jail' illegal." Winking at not-Ethel, he added, "How about we forget we ever had this conversation? It can be our little secret."

Having successfully stunned the entire board of a Fortune 500 company, Tony grabbed Pepper's hand, pulled her—and her laptop, what the hell?—from her chair and towed her to the door. "Carry on!" he said, propelling Pepper through the doors and pulling them closed as he exited.

"Tony, really," Pepper started, then massaged the skin above her temple. "You know what? Forget it. You wouldn't listen to a lecture on the importance of board meetings when you were the head of the board, so I don't know why I should bother now."

"Exactly! However," Tony looked around, saw a darkened office, and began pushing her toward it, "you and I need to have a serious conversation right now. I'm disappointed in you, Pep. Very disappointed." Tony slid his own sunglasses down his nose to direct an appropriately disappointed look at her.

"I really don't have time for this," Pepper sighed. "What do you want, Tony? I have a board meeting to get back to."

Tony reached up and plucked the sunglasses off Pepper's face, only to see—to his personal glee—that her eyes were bloodshot and underscored with dark circles. "More like a 'bored' meeting. But to come straight to the point, Potts, I'm deeply disappointed in you."

"You've said. I still don't care."

"You didn't think I was going to see my fic?" At those words, a flush began to creep up from the (rather low) neckline of Pepper's suit. "See how much you changed it? I _told_ you I liked the 'white flag of surrender' bit and you changed it!" Tony was aware his voice had risen to a whine; he just didn't care.

"I made your story better. You should be on bended knee thanking me for keeping the general populace from thinking you're an illiterate fourteen year old with penis envy."

An affronted gasp burst from Tony at that. "You take that back! I _have_ a penis! You know that. You've _seen_ it, and, might I add, experienced great pleasure from it."

Pepper lifted her hand and held her thumb and forefinger a few inches from each other. "Though I'll notice you didn't argue over the fourteen year old part. Which is rather sad, really."

"Look, Pep—"

"No, _you_ look. I worked hard to keep you from posting trash. If you don't want it happening again, learn some basic rules of the English language. I've never seen so many dangling participles—"

"Yeah, baby." Tony waggled his eyebrows and leered, gesturing at his crotch. "I'll show you some dangling participles."

"This is why your penis is no longer allowed near my … anything. Tony, I know you've had sex. Lots of sex. But from the way you write it, one would think you've spent your entire life on a deserted island. Without hands. Or," Pepper waved one hand around vaguely, "convenient holes. Also, I know your computer has spell check. Use it, for the love of god."

"Pfft. I have people for that. And there was nothing wrong with my sex scene! It was way more realistic than any of the other ones I've read on there."

"Tony, there's a fine line between realistic and disgustingly clinical. You stepped over that line and then took a jog to end up at the scene you wrote." When he opened his mouth to continue the argument, Pepper held up her hand to forestall him. "Know your audience, is all I'm saying."

"My audience thinks I'm a cock hungry twink." Pepper just raised an eyebrow at him, as if to say _and_? "That's hurtful, Pep. Really hurtful."

Pepper shrugged. "Eh, you'll get over it. Besides, without my help, you certainly wouldn't already have," she flipped open her laptop, hit a button, and smiled, "five hundred and thirty two hits, fifteen comments—which you'll need to respond to as soon as possible, but not until I'm around to help you not sound like an idiot—and seventy six hearts."

Tony craned his head to look at her computer screen. Sure enough, _Captain America Likes Cock_ was actually trending on madeupfanfictionsite.org. Trending!

"Potts," Tony said, carefully sliding Pepper's sunglasses back up her nose and pecking her on the cheek, "I do believe this is the start of a beautiful partnership."


End file.
